Mixed Up With Me

Sallie (00:17)
Hello and welcome to Twin Study After Dark. I’m your host Sally. And I’m your other host Katie. So this week we have a very special topic that is near and dear to our hearts because there is a special holiday coming up. Do you know what that holiday is? Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day!

For the mamas in the house. Woo hoo. So Mother’s Day is this upcoming Sunday on May 12th this year. So don’t miss it. Make sure you reach out to your mamas and give them love for everything that they do. And I just want to give a shout out to all the moms that are here listening today. We love you. We see you. Do you have a special Mother’s Day greeting for anyone? Just hopefully you get some time to relax. And

Enjoy your day and however that is that you do that, with your kids or without your kids. Exactly. However you want to best spend Mother’s Day, I hope that you get to and people show you love. I also I want to shout out to literally every type of mom. Like I don’t even like putting prefixes on it, but some people do. Whether you’re a stepmom, adoptive mom, birth mom, grandmom, any type of mom.

Dare we say dog mom? Dog mom? I mean, if you’re putting in the work.

Sallie (01:38)
anyway, do you have any plans for Mother’s Day? I don’t know. Wait, when is it? I can’t remember. It’s on Sunday. This Sunday. I might be going to Disney on Saturday. Oh, okay. Yeah. So my son and myself and my current partner might be doing that.

Awesome. Yeah, what are you doing? Um, I am going to Disney as well actually. Wait, I’m Saturday? No, I’m going during the week Oh, right. We’re celebrating Mother’s Day a little bit early Because I’m gonna be out of town For a book event on the weekend of Mother’s Day So we decided to celebrate it early My husband is amazing and he’s booked two nights for us to stay at Disney and my kids are just like so excited

Every day they come downstairs in the morning and they’re counting down the days. So I got my Disney mama shirt on it. It says, what does it say? Happiest mama on earth or something. But I’m so excited for that because I just feel like on vacations with your family, that’s when you get like such good uninterrupted time. So I’m excited for that. Enid is on me right now. Okay, so anyway, I guess I just wanted…

For the viewers out there, we haven’t touched on motherhood too much. We’ve touched on it a tinge, I would say. Um, we talked about our pregnancies and our ways we became a mom. Um, we’re going to just touch on it again, really quick, telling the viewers how many kids we have. Um, if there will be more, just a slight synopsis of your journey into motherhood. Okay. So you can go first. I have one child. I have a son and she’s a hashtag boy mom.

I’m a hashtag boy mom. I honestly don’t love when people say that. Yeah. I know some people hate that, but I identify as a boy mom, so that is why I hashtag it. Yeah. Deal with it. If I had a girl, I’d hashtag. God, that’s such a boy mom thing to say. I would hashtag myself as a girl mom if I had a girl. You’re gonna be a terrible mother-in-law. No, I’m just kidding.

I love my son more than anything in the world, as all moms love their children more than anything in the world. So I don’t know what else to say about this, but I’m a mom of one. Yeah. And it was a planned child? Yep. It was planned. I very much wanted to be pregnant and I knew he would be a boy. I really did. I like predicted it. And I feel like I’ve always kind of known what I was, how my life was going to go and I was going to have a son and there he was. There he was.

Will there be more children in the future? I’ve left that door open, but we are in our mid-30s. That’s why I froze some eggs because I could totally see myself trying again, honestly, even in my early 40s. I have no fear about like losing time to children and I don’t, I’m not like the type of person that’s like I’m working hard to retire and then I’m going to enjoy those years. I’m like, I enjoy my years no matter what.

and I’ll probably be working forever because I absolutely love my job. So I could totally see myself having another child in my 40s, assuming that I could safely do that. But if I don’t, it’s not a big deal to me. I feel completely whole with the child I have. And I might choose not to. It really just depends where my life’s at that point. I think that.

It’s up in the air. I could say yes one day and no the next day. I’m back and forth all the time about it. I mean, we can tell by your response. Yeah. You’re like getting nervous talking about it. I know. I’m like, I don’t know if I… Because now I’m in a sweet spot where my son is five and he’s entering kindergarten. Yeah. And I’ve made it through so many phases that it would be really hard to convince me to start over again with a baby. It’s different when you enter the kid years. It really is. And I’m really enjoying the kid years. And it’s…

I would have to be like hit in the head, completely forget the baby part, or maybe remarried and maybe your partner wants to go through it with you. I think, and that’s the thing is I, my partner and I were not in alignment when I was married, so we didn’t parent well together. It would be a very different story if I had a supportive partner and we were parenting together, like both parenting. But again…

I would consider it if my partner really wanted a child, but I still think there’d have to be some convincing involved. Okay. Yeah. So that was, you could tell how nervous you were answering that. I have one, I feel like if I were to get pregnant again, I have one pregnancy left in me and then I’d be like, okay, I have to be done. Well then you need to get your organs taken out. Yeah, then my organs, they’re going to fall out again. She dealt with prolapse. Yeah, okay. So then you need to go a different route.

Yeah. So my journey into motherhood, everybody knows, it’s not strictly biological. I have three daughters and a son. It goes daughter five, son four, twin baby girls, 16 months. And I’ve always wanted to be a mom. I’ve always known that. If there was anything I knew in life, it was that I wanted to be a mom. And thankfully I’m blessed and I can say I’m a mother. And I’m a mother.

It didn’t come the easiest, but it came to me and I’m so freaking thankful for that. And also this Mother’s Day, I want to give a shout out and normalize giving a shout out to the mamas who made me a mom, because there were two different women who are mothers that chose to give me the opportunity to be a mother, um, to their sweet baby girls. And I just love them for that. That’s a strength that matches no other. So, yeah, I want to shout out to that. And, uh, my son I carried.

I loved pregnancy even though it came with some challenges. So wait, let’s skip ahead.

Is there another baby in the future for you? Oh, there’s another baby. Ok, he needs to know this. Yeah, because if I fumbled over my word, it’s not… If you have another baby, I don’t really see the point in me having another baby. Yeah. I really don’t. If you had another baby, I might not feel like I want another baby. Because then, like, I can cuddle that baby. You know what I mean? Only, I bet if you had another baby, I’d get the itch and be like, I want another one. That’s why, like, when I’m 38, 40, 42 maybe…

If it happens, I know everybody at that time is gonna be ready for it. They’ll be like, we wanted this baby so bad. We want this baby! And we wanna help you with it. I don’t plan on another baby as of right now. Our family feels pretty complete as it is for kids. Honestly, I feel like a really good balance, especially with the two being so close in age and then the twins being so close in age. It feels like everybody has a buddy and it’s just a really well-rounded family.

I will say since I was little, I’ve joked about a fifth oops baby, and sometimes you know you make those jokes or promises to yourself back when you’re a child and it’s just intuition speaking. So I don’t know, maybe there will be an oops baby someday. Don’t say oops, say surprise. Surprise baby. Yeah. Surprise baby. But I’ve had trouble getting pregnant, so it truly would be a surprise. Truly would be a surprise. I did get pregnant with my son, so it’s possible. But I’m not against it.

If we had all the money in the world, I absolutely would add more children to the picture. I feel like if you had all the money in the world, you’d have like 12 kids. I would, maybe not 12 because I want to give them all like a good life, but I have learned that love never minimizes, it just expands. And you have the opportunity to like love more than four kids. If we had all the money in the world, we’d probably keep at it. That is like a weird thing I’ve thought about having my one son is I fear like…

his feelings, how he would feel if there was another child all of a sudden. And you start to think like, I don’t know, I like that you said that love doesn’t minimize, it just grows. Because with every child that’s come into our family, our hearts have just expanded. Yeah. And I think that capacity of a person to just love more than you even knew was possible is really, really fascinating. Yeah, I think I’ve heard a lot of people say they’re worried that they couldn’t…

like give the love to all the kids that they had a lot of kids or it’d be too much to handle. But that is one thing I know for certain. Like it never feels like there’s not enough love. If anything, it just adds and adds and adds. And I feel like our house is very full of love right now. I don’t know if we need any more, but I’m not close minded to it. I’ll just put it that way. So

When you became a mother at first, I wanted to kind of talk about something serious at first because I really think about this because my oldest is five now, we’re entering into the childhood years. I’m beginning to really know myself, I feel like, again, or maybe for the first time ever. But did you feel like you lost yourself when you became a mother? Because a lot of people talk online.

and just in general about feeling that sense of loss when you become a mother. I felt like when I was pregnant, I did not feel like myself. Like having no control over my body and what was happening to it. And I felt very disconnected and I do think I had postpartum to an extent. I mean, I did, they gave me medication for it. I never took it because I don’t feel comfortable taking depression or anxiety medications.

and that’s just personally me. Although I’m sure they would help me, I just don’t feel comfortable. She needs a good talking to about that. Yeah. But when I was pregnant, I did not feel like myself. So afterwards, when I had my child, I remember I chose to breastfeed, and the reason I chose to breastfeed was a lot of the outsider’s opinion pushed on me. I don’t think I really…

made any decisions at that time for myself. I was really listening to what others expected or wanted from me. But I remember, and this is because I think the postpartum part of it, I remember my son feeding on me and me feeling like I was just nothing and like this zombie creature was sucking the life out of me. And it was just such a weird experience. Some people have a magical experience where they feel so bonded to their child.

And I personally did not have that. And I went back to work and it was near impossible to pump at work. So then I gave up like, as soon as I returned to work, I gave up because the workplace didn’t make it easy either. Uh, so I think it was the transition from pregnancy to having the, my child. I didn’t feel like myself, but after I would say once I got out of the slump of postpartum depression. I.

I honestly started to feel maybe more myself than I’ve ever felt. Now I can say I’m so happy that I have my son because I think it’s unlocked a piece of me that really made me whole. And I’ve said this to you before, but I’m just so happy now that I’m back in the dating pool and I’m trying to find my long-term partner and I have somebody right now that’s really good for me and we’re really compatible. And I think that…

I always say I’m just so happy he met me when I was already a mother because that I think is my truest self. That piece of me is like my core and I don’t think I lost my identity. I think I found my identity to an

Yeah, so do you think that you lost yourself with having children? Because I do hear that all the time. Oh my gosh, especially the first couple years you’re a mom and you’re like bonding with other moms that are just new moms. I feel like it’s a conversation starter. Yeah, right. And honestly, it’s hard to even have mom friends when you’re just becoming a mom for the first time. I feel like that starts when you’re like more confident, like years later.

But I do want to say if you can find, I remember experienced moms be friending me while I was pregnant and they were really cool moms, like really honest about the experiences I was going to be having and like those people were angels at that time. I think that the thing with moms that are a little a couple years into it at least, if not a ton of years, 18 years into it, they have their confidence back and they’re not ashamed to admit.

the hard things, the true stories, the mess ups, all that stuff. And I think that if you just surround yourself with people that are just having babies at the same time, you still feel insecure admitting, like if mistakes happen or if you’re not sleeping or if you’re not feeling happy. And so I think having a support system, even if it’s just your family, like your own mother, telling you, honey, this is normal, like I remember when you fell off a bed or like.

crazy things that you’re like, okay, this happened to my mom or whatever. I mean, it sounds crazy, but everybody has a day where you just break down and cry because you’re just like, I’m such a bad mom. And you need those people that can pick you up and say, honey, this is so normal. You are not a bad mom. Yeah. I think that every woman or man parent that’s been in the place where they’re crying because they feel like they’re, they’re doing so bad or they, you know, like they’re not doing good enough.

I think that’s a true testament on how well you want to be doing. You have these very high expectations for yourself because you want the best for your child. You know the importance. And I think that’s so that defines like how much you must love them. Yeah. And I so my answer to this question, honestly, I want to be as honest as possible, but I honestly, I think that some of you are going to be annoyed by the answer. Because you thought you found you liked. I think that.

when I became a mom, it could feel like a loss. I suppose some people could explain it that way, but I truly think because I was meeting a new version of myself. It was a version I had never known before. It was a version that was like protective and cautious and motherly and you know, you get all these qualities that you didn’t have before.

So in a way, I guess it felt like a loss, but more importantly, I think I was just getting to know not only my new babies, but a new me. I remember the very short stint after having my son, mourning my old life. I think a lot of people do that. Yeah, and like the realization that there’s no going back now.

Yeah, but like and that took a little bit of time. I think that that’s common Yeah, I think that like when you first become a parent sometimes you try to hold on to that old life And I think that’s super common I don’t think people should be ashamed to admit that I think I’d be lying to myself if I said there weren’t days where When I first became a mom I was like, oh, I wish we could go out and you know party or something like that Because we were doing that up until the time we became parents. Mm-hmm, but I think more importantly, like I said

I truly, truly feel like I just didn’t know this other side of me. And being a mom helped me to get to know a new side of me and a side I’m truly grateful for. I’m so thankful I even have half the qualities I have because before I was a mom, I was reckless and careless and selfish. I mean, being a mother changes you. Yeah, I was going to say I was very careless with myself. Yeah, exactly. And my own safe.

It’s like I thought I was indestructible or something. Well, also it’s, I think, living honestly kind of selfish too because when you have kids you’re like, I can’t do X, Y, and Z because I have kids at home that depend on me. You know what I mean? So I just remember when we first went to a bachelorette party right after my son was born.

It was all the way in a different state. Like we live in Florida, it was in California. But I remember I couldn’t get like as crazy as I used to because there’s always that seed of, okay, but what if there was an emergency? And granted we were states away, there would be nothing we could do anyway. But you have that seed of like, what if there’s an emergency and I need to hop on a plane now? Yeah, right. It kind of changes you a little bit, but I am so grateful, truly, truly. And I think most moms

go through this, you can look at it and be like, wow, I really made a new self for myself and I’m proud of that woman. Yeah. So, that’s kind of my thing that I could see how people would think it sounds like you lost yourself, but I feel like it’s because you became a better version of yourself. Like I don’t mourn the person I lost. Do you know what I mean? Right. Like that person had to, that person could only last so long. Yeah. I think I’m still very much.

the same in a lot of ways. I just have this added level now of education that I wouldn’t, stuff I wouldn’t have learned had I not had my child. And awareness, I’m way more hyper aware. I joke because when I, before I had my child, I would drop everything. Like I’m a clumsy person and I really am. And I would drop things and run into everything. I still run into a lot of things, but.

Ever since I had my child, I haven’t dropped one thing. Just more carol. I’m not kidding because when you’re holding your baby, and it’s every day you’re holding them and now he’s five and I still pick him up. I remember I used to carry paint cans at work and I’d be like, these are so heavy. And now it’s like nothing is heavy. They always say like the mom strength. Oh, it’s ridiculous. I love Insects in the City, the Injust like that. Charlotte’s like…

you need to be strong enough to carry your two biggest children out in a fire. Yeah. And I always say that to Adam. I’m like, we need to be able to be strong enough to carry my two biggest children. It’s so true. So what are some things that you thought you would never do before you were a parent? And you said, I will never do this when I have kids. And you’ve done them now. I think that can be really funny. The big one was probably tablets. Oh, like, technology. Tablet time, you know? And now I’m like,

If my son’s sitting in a restaurant, he will have something in his hand watching or playing because you just, it’s like desperation in a way, but it’s really nice to be able to eat out sometimes and that it’s really hard to get a child to sit through a sit down restaurant. I don’t know how our parents did it without the technology. Like a lot of coloring. I have no idea, but like, that’s something I was really critical of in the beginning.

I’ve… I have been critical of other things as well. Like what? Like if I… and I’ve never… I just still don’t do it. This is something I was critical of and I still don’t do, but I do sympathize with the parent. Okay. If you see a parent like disciplining their child in public, that freaks it out. You yell at your kids sometimes. I will yell, but I would never like yank them or something. Oh, yank them. Oh, yeah. I mean it’s…

Probably worse at home then. Oh, totally. That scares me. Every time I see it, I’m like, I don’t know if I should do anything, but I know they’re parenting. Yeah, and like to each their own in a regard because it’s how they’ve been raised. I, yeah, I always think like when you see a parent like that, I think about, it’s not really, I’m not judging the kids, I’m judging the parents, and it’s like, wow, they must be old. Oh, really past their breaking point. Yeah, and then you’re like, I feel for you. Yeah.

Because the kids are kids. Kids are gonna be kids. Doing tantrums, that’s normal. And the thing is, the best part of having parents that are friends is when your kid is throwing a temper tantrum or they’re in a mood or a moment, and you see this all the time at the splash pads. Kids just lose it. You’re like, thank God every parent here knows what I’m going through, and I don’t have to explain myself. But then if you’re with people that don’t have children.

There is a piece of me that’s embarrassed. No, okay, so that’s the thing. I remember we went on another girls trip and we go on girls trips with friends that have kids and don’t have kids. So there’s a mix. But we went on one girls trip and it was with women that didn’t have kids yet. And one in particular was saying she was really annoyed by a baby crying the whole flight. And me and Katie went into defense. We were like.

What? You’re annoyed? Do you know who was having the worst time on the flight? That poor mother. We were so upset. So the thing is also, once you become a parent, I don’t know if this is anybody, but it’s definitely Sally and myself. When we hear a baby crying, we are feeling good. I don’t know, it’s like comfort. It’s comforting and it’s like you wanna help, but I love that sound. Honestly, I’m looking like, can I please hold the baby? I love this baby.

But no, I feel comfortable. It makes me feel safe on a plane when I hear a baby crying. But that might be a mom thing. Oh, and then when people complain about newborn cries too. Oh my god, I love it. Those are the cutest cries because they can barely cry. It’s like a whee. I know. They’re just trying to get it out. And so once you do become a parent, I don’t know if it’s just us, we do not care if somebody’s crying. Oh no. That does not bother me at all. And also I always tell parents when they’re embarrassed because their kids are throwing a tantrum or crying or whatever.

I always say, you are so much more sensitive to your own child crying. I didn’t even notice. Well, a lot of times, I’m just- I didn’t even notice the tantrum. Sometimes I’m just trying not to laugh because when kids throw temper tantrums, it can be the most hilarious thing in the world to watch. My twin girls, they just started because they’re-

getting to be, well, they’re 16 months. And it’s so cute because they’ll throw themselves on the ground. They throw themselves on the ground. I know, and they will smack, and oh my God, it’s so cute. I just, I can’t, me and Adam are just like, they’re the cutest little girls ever. Do you remember? Our niece used to pound her head against her car seat. Oh yes. And we would just like die because it was funny. I know.

It’s so cute. You know what? I wish I could throw a temper tantrum like children do. Yeah. I wish I just need… I need to go to one of those rooms you can smash stuff and just rage. Take my son with you. He’ll love it. We have the best time. So things I said I wouldn’t do, one is going to McDonald’s. I always was like, I’m not going to raise my kid on fast food.

because that’s disgusting and they’re gonna be healthy and every meal is gonna be, I’m gonna be the mom making the perfect lunches. Yeah. And of course, happy meals are kids’ best part of their week if they get a happy meal. Oh yeah. So we go to McDonald’s more often than I’d like to admit. I’ve gotten cake pops from Starbucks.

in the morning, like at seven in the morning. No, I mean, Scott, I’ll come down from waking up and Scott will already be eating a popsicle. So like nutrition, we try our best, but it’s just, it’s not as strict as I think I thought I’d be. I’m not as strict. Oh, this one. I used to see parents doing this and it was the most disgusting thing and now I do it. When a kid is eating an ice cream cone and their snotty little nose and like all their ice cream’s all over their face.

and it’s melting down their hand because they can’t lick it fast enough. And I used to take parents, I see parents grab the cone and lick it real quick to kind of save it and then give it back. I was always like, that’s so disgusting. I would never do that for anyone. And oh my God, I will eat that whole fucking ice cream cone now. Like if they have leftover ice cream, I’m gobbling it up. If the food came from my child’s mouth, it’s not gross for some people. I totally get it, but it’s just not gross. Yeah, it’s like.

Honestly crazy because how many times have I drank water from my child like backwashed? Oh my god 100% Yeah, it’s like anyone in my immediate family I don’t really get grossed out by but I remember watching parents eat after their gross children and being like that’s disgusting Sometimes it’s the only meal you’re gonna get no now I just leftovers of my sons all the time and people will be like what did you have for dinner? And I’ll be like dino chicken mac and cheese. I had his food because he doesn’t eat

My other things I said that I promised I’d never do when I do them is obviously screen time. I mean, if there’s a parent that doesn’t do screen time, I want you to write a book and I’ll read it. But using a stroller past a certain age. Oh. I always said that if they were big enough to walk, I was going to force them to walk around the Disney parks and not like…

put them in a stroller because like when kids get really big in a stroller, I just am like, you’re a big kid, you can walk. But Suzy’s five and 100% capable of walking around Disney World. And even my younger son, Scott, he’ll walk around Disney World. But Suzy will want the stroller. And honestly, because I want us to have a good time, I just put her in it. Well, she’s like more chill. She is, she just wants to chill. I also used to say no screen time while we’re at Disney because we’re paying money to be here. So I don’t want you on your screen.

Yeah, that went out the window too. We let them use their screens while they eat at Disney. It’s just, yeah, I mean, if that’s a mom fail, I’ll take it. If that’s the only thing, you know? Yeah. Any other ones? I mean, we’ve talked about this in the past, so I don’t wanna touch on it too much, but my child sleeping in the same bed as me. Oh yeah, ideally, I didn’t believe that was gonna be the case, but you know what? We’re doing well. Last two weeks, he’s slept in his own bed. There you go. I’ve slept in there with him.

But at least it’s not my bed and so we’re making progress. Yeah. And everybody has their own philosophy on things. So I just want to encourage everyone listening to know that this is a safe space. We aren’t judging any of your parenting choices and please don’t judge ours. Everybody just does what’s best for themselves and their family. Totally. Ooh, let’s talk about mom guilt. Oh my gosh.

My friend just told me, now I’m gonna hate myself because I just booked, like my friend and I just had this conversation and there’s a difference between mom guilt and mom shame. Oh, interesting. Yeah, and now I’m gonna blank on the difference. No, I need to know. I want to say her name so she knows I’m talking to her and I half remembered what she was telling me. Oh my lord, I need to know this because that sounds silly. But she read a book, she can tell you the book about it. Okay.

The thing is what we consider mom guilt a lot of times is mom shame. So like what we were just talking about. Like I got, oh, okay, for instance, this is an example for me. I’m going to be picking my son up from school, but instead of 4.30, I’m not going to get there until 5.10 and I feel like such a shitty person.

his dad never ever feels any shame or guilt around arriving after five. It doesn’t faze him at all, but I put it on myself. Like I, because it’s, I mean, I don’t know. It sounds like mom guilt. It does sound like mom guilt, but I forget why there’s a difference. I need, now I’m, I feel like there’s this. Now we need to, this is, you know what? I’ll cover it in Friday Feedback. Okay, yeah.

I’m sorry guys, I just wasted a minute’s worth of time trying to remember what the difference was, but it was a really interesting conversation that I unfortunately failed to remember. So mom guilt is a new piece of you that you acquire when you become a parent. I would say as well as anxiety, I always struggled with anxiety to a degree, but not as much as when I became a parent, the fear of certain things became astronomical.

And I think I manage it better now, but like the first couple years of parenthood I was definitely more anxious than the average than average I would say. Now I feel great, but I think that the first years are just really hard and Mom shame is part of it. I really think so. I spend pretty much as much time as you can spend with your kids like I don’t have a daytime job and I go to work when my kids are about to go to bed

But I experienced mom’s shame about even the time I leave them for those couple hours and they’re not even awake. Like, you know what I mean? It’s just… It’s like this expectation that you should always be there for them and then feeling guilty about it. But like, it’s something you shouldn’t be feeling guilty about. I don’t know. Yeah. And like, I also know now because we’re a couple years into this.

that my kids need to see a happy mommy and that means mom needs some time to herself sometimes. Like that’s normal and they need time without me too. That’s probably good for them, you know? Because I think that, what’s it called? The codependence is both ways. Like I get to a point where I know if I’m spending, like I said, all day, every day, most days with my kids and I’ll have a girls trip coming up.

and I’ll have anxiety until I leave because I’ll know I’m leaving them. And it’s because I’m just as codependent on them around as they are on me. Totally. And like that’s not healthy for anyone. But I still, I have mom guilt when I leave and they usually have the absolute best time with daddy when I’m gone. Right, exactly. Like they’re gonna be just fine.

And they’re honestly going to be probably better for it because it’s important to have time without mommy sometimes. Exactly. And also, I’m a firm believer in whoever your partner is, they need to have their alone time with the kids too. It’s kind of like when you go on vacation. It’s like uninterrupted time together where they can see the things that they don’t get to see every day because they’re at work or whatever. You know what I mean? But yeah, I think I have mom’s shame to this day about just leaving my kids.

And it’s so silly because like that’s normal. Yeah, I think that because I was in a situation where I split 50-50 custody with my ex, so I don’t get to see my son all the time that I really have to believe in quality over quantity and live by that. And so when I’m with my son, I give 100%. And when I’m not with my son,

I honestly try to compartmentalize because I think that it’d be unbearable to think about him all the time. You have to shut that piece off sometimes just to cope. But I do think that quality time is what matters. Yeah, for sure. I think we know that firsthand. It wasn’t with our mom, but with our dad, he worked a lot when we were growing up.

And so he wasn’t around as much as our mother. But like we have just the best memories, the fondest, the most, I think one of my most cherished relationships with our father, but he wasn’t around all the time. It was because when he was around, he was there. He was very present. Yeah. And I think, I think that’s true. And I think that’s something to definitely remember. You know, if you’re with your kids all day, every day, of course you’re gonna like slack and…

watch a movie or go on your phone sometimes. Like you don’t get a break. But for the ones that are working a lot or maybe they’re not around all the time, when you’re around, it’s so important that it’s just quality time. I remember when you were divorced, and I talked about this in my book because Katie’s divorce has been a big part of our whole family, and that’s just how family goes. But she was really mourning the loss of control of her child’s safety because she wasn’t going to see him half the time.

And I think that’s another thing why moms have, I don’t know if it’s anxiety or I don’t know what it is because we think we can control their safety at all times. And that’s another reason we feel shame or guilt when we’re away from them. Like who’s going to do it better than me? But you, I realized it’s not really a choice sometimes if you get that. It’s not a choice. So and then because I don’t have a choice, it’s legally we have to.

to split 50-50 and I would not, I don’t, I’m not saying anything negative about that. It’s really good for my son that he has equal relationships with both his parents. I’m really happy that he has that, but it’s not a choice. And so you just learn to, again, appreciate, you have to relinquish control. It was very hard for me to do. I am a control freak and…

I’m not anymore, but to my core I was. I had to completely change because I don’t have the control anymore. I think it’s been one of the hardest challenges of my life, but it probably is something that has helped me. It’s probably healthy because I would say that was my first time I really realized, like, wow, some people don’t get to protect their kids all day, every day.

And obviously, I think it’s healthy. You shouldn’t think that you’re the one standing in the way of them and death every day. That’s so miserable and unhealthy to be like. That’s what caused my anxiety, I think. And I think realizing that in you and having a good partner really has helped me to move past the point where I’m like, I can’t control everything, but I’m gonna try my best, obviously, to keep them safe. But A, things happen. Yeah. And B, you can’t control everything.

You just can’t. But, okay, so anything else on mom guilt? I don’t know. I mean, that could be a whole episode. I just, I don’t know like where to start. We see you, we love you. Yeah, there’s so much. All the moms feeling the mom guilt. And honestly, like, it’s just, it’s normal. Give yourself a break. Yeah. Like, don’t be too hard on yourself. Everybody’s doing the best they can. Exactly. Lastly…

What is your favorite thing about being a mother? I mean, I feel like my son, like point blank, just him, we have a really great relationship and I love having him in my life. I think that when I became a parent, I felt like it gave me a bigger purpose and I just love

seeing who he becomes, you know? Like I’ve always been very open about he’s his own person. He has his own identity. I don’t need him to be any type of person, to be accepted and loved by me. He will always be loved no matter what. And every day he shows me something new because he’s like learning who he is. And it’s just so exciting to see. And I love seeing him develop and I’m just excited for his life, you know? Like I’m less.

worried about where my life’s going, but I’m really excited to see where his life is going. Exactly, yeah. My favorite thing about being a mom is, one of the things, it’s hard to say because there’s just so many things, but one is being able to see that world through their eyes. That’s such a gift, to be able to raise children and see the world through, because I’m not gonna lie, I forget a lot about our childhood and seeing it through their eyes, it’s almost like,

killing an inner child of yours you didn’t know had problems, or it’s also just seeing the beauty in the small things again. Like, you know, just the smallest things. It’s so funny, you get to see them discover, like, they’ll have their first smile, their first laugh, they’ll see bubbles for the first time. Or no, they learn new words for the first time. They learn new words. And they’re like using them, or new animals, they’ll learn new animals, and it’s just, it’s so cool. I always say that.

I became a better designer once I had a child because I really do watch him and see what he picks up on and what he’s excited about and kids get excited about the smallest things that it really does restore your faith in humanity. Also I will say I’m very, very happy to be a mom because you literally laugh more in the day than you ever did before. Oh, you laugh so much. Like I forget because they always say kids laugh like I don’t know how many times more than a normal, like a human, adult.

Kids laugh like astronomically more, but when you have kids, they give you something to laugh about every day. So you’re like laughing constantly. I do think that before I had my son, I was really sick of the life I was living. It was very routine. Like I’d go to work and then I’d go out on the weekends. It was just repeat, repeat. There was nothing exciting. I could travel. That was one thing I was doing during that time, but that was really like…

That was really cool at the time, but now, I remember it reached a point where I was like, my life seems so pointless, and I feel like kids brought the color back into my life. Yeah, they kind of bring the purpose. I also think, too, it’s just, it’s the hardest job in the world to be a mom. I will say that, but it’s like, Our dad, we keep, And dad, yeah, and be good moms for mothers too. But it’s Mother’s Day, come on. They’ll give Dad’s Day soon. But it is the most rewarding,

highest paying job, not money wise, but just in gifts that you receive back. It is so freaking rewarding. So the last thing I want us to just say real quick is just a shout out to our mother because she is the best. Do you want to say a thank you to mom quick? Yeah, I mean, thank you mom. I love you. My mom is the-

sweetest soul you’ll ever meet. She doesn’t have a bad bone in her body. We laugh because we really think she doesn’t even know how to be sarcastic or… She’s very sensitive. She doesn’t, she would never hear her make fun of anybody. She is just the kindest soul and she really was the type of person that was like, if you ever see anybody being left out, you go up and talk to them. Like she taught us to be the way we are with reaching out to people and she’s all kindness and…

a wonderful example of a woman. So I love you, mom. You’re the best. And I want to just say, I have so many fond memories from our childhood, but you’re still moming us hard even today. I call you like five times a day. But one memory I really remember is that whenever we were sassy or mean to her growing up, she would always tell us,

There is nothing you can do that’s gonna make me not love you. I love you still. I’m going to love you no matter what.” And she was always really clear on that. Her love was never conditional. It was always unconditional for us no matter what. And I just wanna say, what a true mom for that. Like it brings tears to my eyes. It’s cute because now my son, he always goes, no matter what, whenever he does something sassy and he’ll, I leave him alone. I let him…

go to his room and pout on his own and then when he’s ready he comes back to me to apologize and he’s like, do you still love me? And I was like, and I always go, no matter what. And so now he always goes, no matter what? But it’s like, of course, no matter what. Yeah, I know. I always, because our son is in the habit when he’s mad he says, I don’t like anyone. And I’ll be like, well we love you no matter what Scott, we love you, we love you so much. And yeah, after he’ll cool down he’ll be like.

I’m so sorry, I love you so much. And I’ll be like, I still love you. I love you so much, you’re so perfect. But we all get sassy sometimes. But I just remember that about mom. And I remember being a really anxious teenager crying all the time and her just always saying, Sally, it’s all gonna be okay, it’s gonna be okay. She did always do that. She always reassured us that everything works out. Even if it feels like it’s gigantic in the moment, she always kind of assured us it’s gonna pass and it’s gonna be okay.

And she did a lot of things really right as a mom. So we love you, mom, to the moon and back. Thank you for being a great grandmother to our babies as well. And happy Mother’s Day to all the mamas out there. We love you guys. Yeah, go have some fun. Yes, go have some fun. And we want to hear about what you’re doing for Moms Day. No mom guilt. Go have fun. Yeah, go do what you gotta do, girl. Love you. Bye.